Major Surgery is Easy

Granted, there's the challenge of navigating through layers of skin, fat, and faschia, dodging arteries and veins (that aren't neatly labeled like in my college anatomy class). Still, there is one key fact that supports my claim: you get to use general anesthesia.

The type of surgery that I perform on a regular basis (we'll call it home surgery) is much more complex. It is performed on a small person, without the use of tranquilizers or sedatives. If done while this small person is awake, one risks injurying the wiggling patient. If done while the patient is asleep, one risks waking the patient, thus undoing the parent/surgeon's heroic efforts to lull the patient into her dreamy sleep in the first place.

This surgery should ideally be done weekly, but around here, it's more like every 6 weeks, which is why my baby scoots around with nails like daggers. This wouldn't be so bad if her favorite activity wasn't grabbing parts of our face. I would like to clip and file her nails more often, but haven't found a solution that both avoids injury and preserves somnolence.

They don't tell you about these kinds of things at the labor and delivery ward of the hospital. They just make you watch a video on how to keep your baby alive, and send you on your way. The fine tuning, you must figure out for yourself.

This afternoon, while Audrey was stealthily sneaking up on crocodiles, I was doing some stealthy sneaking of my own. This entailed creeping through Alyssa's dark room, crouching behind her crib and gently endeavoring to clip her nails through the crib's railing. From time to time she would stir, or even smile at me, and I would have to duck and wait until she fell asleep to try again. Audrey tried to photograph me doing this, but Alyssa woke up before the operation was over, and we had to retreat.

I'd like to see some issues of JAMA dedicated to researching this type of surgery, And perhaps some honorary medical degrees awarded to the parents who have perfected it.